i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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