my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
