His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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