I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I need a burrito and a hug.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
