Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
