I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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