Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
