Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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