Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
