My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
