well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
