I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The air taste purple.
Randomize
