words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When are your genitals available?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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