I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
