Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
