i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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