The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Screwed.edu
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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