I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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