If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
