It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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