Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
