Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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