Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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