I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
