Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize