If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
