I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize