I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize