The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
