sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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