White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
