It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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