I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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