I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
well you can't waste a boner
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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