and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
