Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
