I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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