Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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