I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
