i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
