Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
