i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
