Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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