1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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