I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
