and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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