Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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