you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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