what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I believe in your delicious
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
