Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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