hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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