Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
