Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I did not marry a roomba.
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