I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We were destined to go to rehab together
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
