Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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