the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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