I didn't shave. On purpose
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
