Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
