How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
