So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
