WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
